Lauren Hall, Guest writer
Lauren:
the simplicity of age seven
entailed insight of a
seemingly undisputed sort –
the sort that translates neatly to
boxes of a to-do list
listing church, to be attended
verses, to be committed to memory
parents, to be honored
things, to be neither stolen nor coveted
rules, to be internalized
boxes, to be checked off
a God, to be pleased
the insecurity of age thirteen
clung to the intuition of age seven,
prided itself on right answers,
on insight of a seemingly undisputed sort
the end of age thirteen
brought with it commendation for
“being confident in who i was in Christ” –
a satisfactory sentiment demonstrating
rules had been internalized confirming
boxes had been checked off promising
a God that was pleased
the pride of age thirteen grew until it
broke six years later when the
guilt of age nineteen
preyed on a weak heart that had
relied way too long on right answers and head knowledge
to check off boxes,
to please God –
the guilt of age nineteen consisted of
too many butter waffle cookies at 3am
compensated by a rumbling stomach at 3pm,
consisted of commands taunting at every turn,
of behavior management that didn’t work –
rules had been internalized and
boxes checked off
and God needed to be pleased before
he would fix me
i couldn’t
fix me
i couldn’t fix me
and maybe the point was that i couldn’t
fix me
that God didn’t need right answers & head knowledge,
rules internalized & boxes checked off –
he just wanted me
perhaps God spoke in more languages than great guilt and lofty speech
in unparalleled intimacy and unprecedented grace –
more than great winds,
more than earthquakes,
more than fires that
overcame the carefully structured walls of my heart
built by age seven and thirteen and nineteen
with his whispers of gentleness.
[Part 2/2]
Photography: Michelle Chan
unknowngodjournal.wordpress.com 